How I deal with change

    I don't quit things, at least not often. This means that some of the activities I do now, I have been doing for 8, 10, 12 years. As I get older, the impact of these long term commitments start to appear. And they have been showing themselves to me glaringly over the past few weeks.  

    The most obvious of these is on my swim team. Over the past 12 years that I have been around and on the team, the club has changed drastically. For me, it started as the team in the lowest division, barely able to win a meet, with very little swimmers, and a club that could barely keep the electricity going through August. Since then, we gained an entirely new group of dedicated members, grew the team, and money issues seized to exist due to the growth of the camp. From here, many of the people that I grew up around graduated, leaving very few that I recognize left. Also, leaving for an entire summer to go to Europe didn't help either. 

    This summer, I came back ready to be an active participant in the team, but I found myself a little lost. When I looked around, there were all these people I didn't know, who seemed to be part of this new club, not the one I knew. When I look at old photos, I could recognize everyone, even through the faded image. Even the physical attributes of the club looked wrong. The playground I spent countless hours at was gone. The plain wooden fence everyone got splinters from was suddenly painted with a mural. Worst of all, I didn't know the coach. Sure, new coaches had come and went from the team throughout the years. But this one wasn't new, it was his second year, yet I didn't know him. He knew my name, he tried to relate to us, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend that this felt normal. It was like I was the new one. Like I didn't fit in. Like the club had outgrown me. 

   Now that the summer is over, I can't say that I overcame this feeling. But I've learned to live with it. Not every space will be safe forever, and it is okay to grow with that. To understand that things change, and while you don't need to change with them, that doesn't mean they won't. I think this experience has taught me a lot about comfort. As I join new activities, I have to remind myself that I will not feel safe and comfortable on the first day. It won't feel like my home after one meeting, and the people won't be my friends after one rehearsal. It is okay for things to take time. It is okay to feel out of place. I know I will get there, it just takes a little effort. 

    I have had more experiences like this. A chance to look back and reflect on what has happened, and what it means for the version of myself to come. I will most likely make another post with some of those experience, because I think they will tell a better story on their own. 

With love, 

Makayla